Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
