My liver just broke up with me...
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
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