How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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