bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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