I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
