just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
