I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
