He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
