I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
