oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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