Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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