Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize