I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
