i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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