So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
