so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
