Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
