Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
