Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
