I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
