I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
