i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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