Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
