Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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