I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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