My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
this will be a night to untag.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
