I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
