i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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