Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
