Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
