Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
