someone threw a dead crab at me
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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