She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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