I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
