If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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