and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
