remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
