Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
