Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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