twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
