yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
