Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
