My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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