I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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