We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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