Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
