I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
