Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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