dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
