have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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