I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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