he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
