Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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