I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
