I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
