Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
