I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
