i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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