sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
