Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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