pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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