yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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