I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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