I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
