Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But theres a keg here and me gusta
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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